


When the Trigger is Released

by orphan_account



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 09:24:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair wonders about himself in the aftermath of a shooting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When the Trigger is Released

## When the Trigger is Released

by Maguena

Author's website:  <http://www.sdandi.net>

"The Sentinel" doesn't belong to me in any way, shape, or form. It only provides me with ideas for stories.

This story was unbetaed - read at your own risk. I would be very happy if anyone volunteered to help me with this story, as I use the multifandom Editor/Beta Database at http://thejourney.sdandi.net, and we don't have any Sentinel betas yet (hint, hint!)

This story is the direct result of a collision between listening to the song by Mashina Vremeni, "Poka ne spushchen kurok ("Until the Trigger is Released) and thinking about a story (among the many other stories which play with this theme) in which Naomi is all concerned about the possibility of Blair firing a gun, and Blair, of course, is also all concerned but saying that if he has to, as a cop, to protect Jim.

* * *

And afterwards, afterwards... sitting on the long-unused futon in his cubby of a room, staring into the strip of light visible under the door... he didn't know what to say to himself. 

He needed to. Talking was good, talking kept him safe, helped him figure out everything that happened in his extremely weird life. Even Jim was coming around to the benefits of talking things out, after all this time. 

Jim... 

He could hear Jim moving around the kitchen, and for the millionth time, wondered what exactly Jim listened for. His breathing, his heartbeat? Maybe even his thoughts? Sometimes it seemed like that. Blair sure wished Jim could hear what he was thinking about all this mess, and tell him. Now that it had happened, now that he couldn't pretend that it would never happen to _him_... 

For five more minutes, he sat, and then, as if in answer to a prayer, there was a knock on the door. 

"Chief? May I?" 

"Sure, Jim." 

Jim moved in on the bed, a cup of steaming tea cradled in his hands. Blair reached up to accept it, and took a careful sip. Bereft of the cup, Jim stood with his hands hanging by his side. 

Blair looked up, and hoped that there was nothing in his eyes that Jim might misinterpret. 

Jim's fingers hovered just above his hair - he had let it grow out again into a curly mess, though for expediency's sake, shorter than before. "Come to bed?" he asked hopefully. 

Blair had to smile - that was Jim all over. Not certain of his ability with words, but certain that, if allowed to be physical (oh, so very physical), everything would be fine. 

"I will. I just have to think some stuff out first." 

Jim's face twisted. "You saved my life today, Chief. Blair. You saved me. That's all I'm thinking about." 

"I know," he replied quietly. Seeing the questioning look on Jim's face, he elaborated. "It's not like I didn't think about the possibility before it happened, you know." 

"I know," growled Jim, having been the one to hold Blair as he talked himself through his fears about becoming a cop. 

"And you know that I decided that if your _life_ was on the line, that would be _all that mattered_." Blair's hands and hair bobbed about as he emphasized his words. "I thought, when all was said and done, your life, your happiness, matters more to me than anything." 

A smile bloomed on Jim's face, and he sat down on the bed, twisting sideways to face Blair. He didn't say anything, but then, he didn't need to. 

"You _can_ touch me, Jim," was the first thing Blair said. "I'm sorry I told you not to, earlier." Jim's warm hands immediately settled on his shoulders, and drew him close. 

"You were upset, Chief," Jim said with clear affection. "I don't blame you." 

Blair sighed as he pressed himself in. Yeah, Jim being physical with him had something to be said for it. Such a feeling... like he could say anything. 

"I'm still upset." 

"No shit, Darwin." 

"Putz." Blair resettled his legs under himself. "I thought it would be all right, you know. I'd feel guilty, but I'd know I'd done the right thing and -" 

Jim went still. "You don't think you did the right thing?" 

Blair patted Jim's back. "Don't go off, there; I didn't mean that. I'm really glad I saved your life, Jim - believe me, I'd be cosmically upset if I hadn't. Worst thing that could happen to me." 

Jim was opening his mouth for some smart remark, but Blair was suddenly out of the mood. "Don't say anything; let me finish. It was at the cost of Hetson's life. Granted, Hetson was pretty much the lowest scum you could find at the bottom of the pond... I'm just thinking, Jim," his voice rose plaintively. "It should be enough that I saved you. But now that it's done, I keep thinking - I keep thinking..." his voice faltered. 

Proof that their four years together hadn't been for nothing, Jim was _asking_ him, "What are you thinking?" Being Jim, he also kept running his hands over every inch of Blair he could reach. 

"All sorts of stuff." Blair exhaled. "Like how devastated I'd be if you died. How I really hadn't had time to _make_ the decision - he was there, he was shooting at you, I had a gun in my hand and had been trained to shoot back. How if I'd hesitated, you might have been killed. How _dead_ he looked, with his skull splintered all over the ground..." at this point in the litany, Jim rubbed Blair's stomach in soothing circles, instinctively understanding that the memory of how he'd thrown up immediately after was queasing his stomach again. "How you took my gun out of my hand and told me it was all over. Wasn't over, was it, Jim? Paramedics, IA, triplicate everything, Simon... I still have the hearing to look forward to, and don't bother saying it, Jim, I know I'll be exonerated, but thanks for trying, anyway. Wasn't over, not by half. With how long we'd been on this case, I know almost as much about Hetson as his mother. Don't think there was much chance of him changing his ways and being anything but a menace, and God, I'd have enjoyed seeing him in prison, but Jim, I keep thinking that I killed not just him but his chances. Stupid, huh?" Jim automatically shook his head no, but Blair could see he wasn't certain. 

"On any scale you care to measure on, Hetson didn't measure up to you. Hell, some would say it was a good thing I killed him. It can't be anything but a good thing that it was him instead of you. But Jim, please understand - it doesn't help to set up that thought. It's all true, but Hetson was a living, breathing, human being, and he's dead, and no matter what he was like, he was alive, and he isn't." 

"Take a deep breath, please." 

Blair did. "Man, you're getting good at giving me the advice I should be giving myself." He took another breath. "He's dead, Jim. It's better than you being dead, but I just can't call it good!" Jim's hand pressed on his chest with each breath, encouraging him to breathe deeply. "Never thought I was such an absolutist; it's pretty much a surprise, though maybe I should have noticed before. I keep thinking about that, and about all the million other things. And nothing comes out different." 

Jim's voice was warm in his ear. "I shouldn't have been surprised, Chief. You wouldn't be you if you could shoot a man and _not_ worry about it." 

Very softly and plaintively, he said, "It hurts to think about it." 

"Let it go, then. You know it can't have been any different." Quick kiss. "And I'm more sorry to say that than you can know. Believe me, I didn't want you to be facing this kind of dilemma, ever. Let it go, let me love you, let it go." The words were becoming progressively muffled against the skin of his neck. 

"It just isn't over, Jim. But I agree that dropping this for now would be good." 

Jim lifted his head, grinned, and nodded exaggeratedly. "And if you need incentive to think of something else for a while, there'll be one in our bed in less than a minute." He disengaged himself, and hurried up the stairs. 

Blair smiled, if a bit tiredly, and went after him. 

* * *

End When the Trigger is Released by Maguena: amaguena@yahoo.com

Author and story notes above.

  
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